Portabellas a la Normande

Even when I was an omnivore and regularly watched the Food Network with great interest (two things that are perhaps as revealingly embarrassing to admit to as my adolescent collection of Jonathon Taylor Thomas posters), the combination of seafood and dairy flummoxed me. Taking two such easily ruined flavors and textures, each frequently dubious in its own right, and throwing them together over cream-congealing, skin-forming heat always felt like a risk not worth taking.

Clearly, though, Asshat Bourdain does not share my feelings on the subject, as evidenced by the cup of heavy cream and 6 pounds--yes, 6 pounds--of mussels in the Les Halles recipe for Moules a la Normande. I mean, seriously, dude. The half an apple you throw in there as an afterthought is just offended by this shit. And, I've said it before but it bears repeating: too much reliance on globulous dairy and greasy meat or seafood just reveals too little faith in the flavorful strength of the recipe itself. Like the host of a low-budget reality TV show, Bourdain goes straight for the culinary gross-out shock factor. And that ain't cooking.

Which is why I edited the aforementioned recipe into Portabellas a la Normande, tweaking it and improving it and removing the potential for it to be swallowed whole by a bikini-clad game show contestant in the hopes of winning $50,000 from The CW (are they still calling it that? Back in my day it was UPN.).

Anyway, a few key points: first, this is a deceptively easy, one-pot dish that takes less than an hour to prepare but will still impress the holy hell out of any haters you've been wanting to show up. Second, the important changes I made here (besides replacing the ass-ton of mussels with 4 portabella caps) were to increase the 1/2 apple to a whole apple for added substance and texture, therefore replace the apple brandy with cream sherry (to prevent over-apple-ation and also because I had good-quality cream sherry on hand and didn't feel like putting pants on and going to the ABC store), use a combination of soy creamer and coconut milk in place of the heavy cream (which gave it that "this is awesome but I have no idea what this flavor is" factor), and simmer it uncovered rather than boiling it covered. That last change produced a much-reduced, thick, rich, almost syrupy mixture rather than a bunch of stinky mussels floating in watered-down cream. Which is exactly the quality of change that we're going for.

Portabellas a la Normande

4 T non-hydrogenated margarine
1 shallot, thinly sliced
7 shiitake mushrooms, thinly sliced
1 apple, diced (I used a Pink Lady apple)
3 ounces cream sherry
3/4 cup soy creamer
1/4 cup coconut milk
salt and pepper to taste
4 portabella caps


Melt the butter over medium heat in a large pan or pot. Add the shallot, and cook until soft, about 3 minutes.

Add the mushrooms and apple, and cook for another 5 minutes. Add the sherry and stir in the creamer and coconut milk. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Bring to boil, add portabella caps, and reduce to a simmer.

Simmer about 7 minutes, flipping the portabella caps periodically so that they cook evenly on both sides. Serve 2 mushroom caps per plate, surrounded and smothered by the rest of the apple-y shallot-y saucy goodness, over rice or with bread on the side, whichever you'd prefer (we had ours with crusty French bread with herbed non-dairy cream cheese).