No Reservations, but plenty of reparations.

"Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food."

- Anthony Bourdain, "Kitchen Confidential," p. 70

Anthony, it's time we talked. Don't give me that look. It's just a talk.

The thing is, you've been talking a lot of shit. And you've been doing a lot of bitching and moaning about how we joy-hating terrorist vegans ruin your day and oppose the aforementioned human spirit. And I know whenever one of us sets foot in one of your tourist traps of culinary mediocrity, you huff around like Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer, roll your eyes, slice some eggplant, charge us $25 for it and take another smoke break. That's cool. We're not overly concerned.

Because, Anthony, you're kind of tragically wrong about us. But don't worry, we're not going to do something silly like picket the Travel Channel or go around bookstores drawing giant penises on your book covers with Sharpies. We have two key advantages over you in this game: we're easily mobilized, and we can cook.

So we aren't just going to "enjoy" food, we're going to enjoy vastly improved, veganized versions of your masturbatory, blood-oozing recipes. And then we're going to compile them, sell them in zine form, and donate the proceeds to vegan outreach organizations and farm sanctuaries--in your name. Anthony, I have to say, I'm really looking forward to the great work we're going to do together for veganism.

This is an open call to vegan cooks of all stripes: professional chefs and bakers, cookbook authors, food bloggers, amateur cooks, and--perhaps most importantly--ordinary, everyday people who just want to live their lives and eat their dinners without unnecessary heckling from the heroin-addled peanut gallery.

This blog will serve as a meeting ground of sorts. Send in your veganized recipes, your ideas for veganized recipes, your photos of veganized recipes, and your thoughts in general to hezbollahtofu@gmail.com, and they will comprise the blog content and eventually the zine. In addition, I will periodically post Bourdain recipes in their original format, and you can veganize them as you see fit. Further, once the Hezbollah Tofu project reaches its zenith, the non-profits that receive the proceeds will be decided on by consensus.

Ok, Anthony. You can go now. Take your leather and nicotine with you, but leave the baguette. I'm going to make it into some delicious vegan French toast.